I am a Depression Monger and I am creeeeeeepy!

I admit it. I love reading about the Great Depression. I love the misery of it, the fear, the panic, which gives way to misery again. I love these things so much, I am trying to make them all come back.
Just give a listen:

You like how I digress from this into a hate filled schpeil about the democratic party being DEAD? Did you like how I slammed Michael Moore and his "cottage cheese ass?"
How's that for Christian?
But you know? I've been peddling the next Great Depression for some time. Looky here!This is ONE YEAR AGO! This was BEFORE the Healthcare vote!

Well, I am all set for the next year and a half because of this vote. Because I can bank on the economy getting worse since the next wave a mortgages to run into trouble is found in the commercial real estate market. Heh (listen to me again, like we're talking about making a baby together, male or female, doesn't matter. Because I really don't want anyone else to hear this but you.ssshhhhh) Since the day Obama was elected, I don't recall ever once mentioning the inconvenient fact that the crisis ISN'T THE RESULT OF THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION'S policies, or that the mortgage crisis which swiped our economy off the table FOR EVERYONE, has very little to do WITH PROGRESSIVISM and more correctly can be pinned on Wall Street greed and runaway speculation based on DEREGULATION. Hee hee! But just like the comedian needs a foil to pillory, I NEED Barack Obama. He's black, and uppity, and because of that, many honkies just like me, hate the hell out of him. These angry honkies, are my bread and butter baby.
But, that's not to say the management of this company, as I have stated over and over, are HAPPY with the republican defeat over healthcare, oh no.
Look at it from their point of view for a minute. What good is it, being rich and having rich buddies in the media IF THE WORKFORCE, NAMELY UNIONS, aren't squashed to paste on the sidewalk? What good is it having lower class citizens if you can'T rob them blind, destroy their quality of life AND chastise them for their poor choices in life with some conflated imaginary outdated religious icons to bolster your bullshit? These latter activities are the exclusive domain and recreation practices of America's exceedingly wealthy. Would YOU like it if someone took away your Monster Truck rallies, you bass fishing, your beer and peanuts and your baseball?
Hell no. So too the exceedingly wealthy have their playthings: most prized among their possessions is you, their wage slaves.
Again a citizen has risen from your ranks to take the most powerful salaried position on earth and this man has the audacity to take on the club's membership by deluting the power, the very stranglehold on your nuts wielded by big insurance? The impudence! The utter gall! How dare he?
Understand that Uncle Rupe and company cannot let this stand! If this happens, what else might you citizens get up to? Creating jobs by cleaning up the environment and switching to solar power?
The OUTRAGE! There's another group of exceedingly wealthy people attacked: big oil! And further down the road, BIG DEFENSE AND THEIR PORNOGRAPHICALLY OBSCENE CONTRACTS FOR WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION?
How will the heads of major companies involved in war fund their lodges and their "personal administrative secretaries?" and their private islands?
So, coupled with my desire to bring back the good ole days, namely the Great Depression, and our company's penchant for panic and journalistic dog-fuckery (because it's well beyond the rat stage) expect our old standby behaviors. Such as:
Some people say:

Oh, you've asked for it, and we will deliver. Cultural war and a full court press war on truth. It's go time.

And we aren't afraid to be creeeeeepy

I've made an enormous ass of myself

You get two things from assuming: an ass out of U and an ass out of me.
Massa, the Manchurian candidate to my career.
Uncle Rupe fired my team of twitter warriors this morning. Came in and just sent them home. I could try to blame it on Obama, but my heart just isn't in it, right now. Here I sit, alone in my little office, unable to even form a conspiracy in my paranoid mind.
I need new material. Pointing at a map and delineating areas owned by the federal government is soooooo done, played out. Every city council has a designated duffer to pull this hack routine. Then they say "and how much is that in lost tax revenue?" I forgot even this crucial line from the schtik.
Something's not clicking anymore. Oh, FEMA camps, where are you now? Where are the heady days, of thrilled masses cheering my name at The Villages, where seniors are still spry enough to get STDs?
And you've got to admire that. I guess I could learn from it.
Uncle Rupe won't even look at me anymore.
I really screwed the pooch when I suggested churchgoers stop going to church if the pastor spoke of "social justice"; in so doing, breaking my cardinal rule: don't mess with someone's god. Gods? Okay. yeah, slam those pagan sons of bitches, agnostic? Oh heck yeah, loafers deserve it. But not the Big G, where the J-man lives.
Whoa is me.
Doing a whole show without advertisers was the lonliest moment of my life:
Et tu TurboTax? Et tu?

Ticklegate!

I have uncovered the greatest scandal in the history of congress.
Today on my show a disgraced congressman further disgraced himself by letting us know what REALLY goes on behind closed doors! Congressmen and their pages, and interns are tickling each other in low-rent apartments, WHILE THEY SHOULD BE WORKING!
Was there ever a clearer indication of the need to REMOVE THE RAMPANT HOMO-FASCIST LIBERAL LIBTARDIANS FROM POWER!?
Take a look!

Or how about this!

We will have more on this, on tomorrow night's show. Stay strong America and I will remain vigilant for you

HOORS THE NEWZ WITH SUM CONSERVATIVE PORN

Hey baby, mmmmmmm, Yeah. Press play.Then read.

Mnnnn, yeah, want some of this?Little girl on girl? Mnnnnn Yeah, now you're getting it.

Or how about like this?Go Bill, it's your birthday. She's just like an Irish ice-cream cone. Who wants some? Bill says; "I do!!!!"

Oh, oh, ffffff.....hell yeah!

Ummmmn, yesssssssssssssss. Now does all of this remind you of anything?

Everybody Knows Healthcare is Football to Uncle Rupe

Hey, the guy wasn't born here so, does he give a damn about our healthcare system?
Ha!Did you shave your dog's ass-hair this morning? Chances are you didn't.
About the same odds apply that our LORD GOD AND MASTER, Uncle Rupe gives a damn about this country, not to mention any number of poor schlubs cast out into the darkness in this dismal market.
(Again, listen to me like we're lovers, nice and close) Heck F'ing NO.
That's why it was such a joy to see OUR republican party chatting with Obie, and really giving him what-for in the script Uncle Rupe and all his big business chums had paid for. What good is packing and bribing if you can't get the monkey to say what the hell it is you want him to say. Oh, lemme tell ya! PAYDIRT! They stuck to the script!
"Let's start over: step by step."

If you've ever held a job, and managers go over something with you 'step by step' that means what they are saying is, you're too stupid to know how to do YOUR job.
Of course this was trick big business wants to play on dumbass Obie, see? Because if we can get away with it, it will make Obie look bad, he'll lose some political clout and THAT'S what the game is all about, stalling, stymie until November. And making sure Obie loses FACE in the process.
What, you thought this was about YOU? Heck F'ing NO!
Hey we ALREADY HAVE healthcare in this country.
Take the woman in Orlando who was fired six months ago: Just after her COBRA benefits rant out (tee hee: LOOOSER!) she discovered a lump in her breast.
Oh, she'll GET healthcare; just not NOW. Hee hee!
Yes, when she's on death's door and the cancer has metastized, YES, THEn SHE CAN COME TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. And what more could you want than that?
PROGRESSIVES, who are evils scumbags WHO ARE DESTROYING THIS COUNTRY, and who are always thinking of the FUTURE (pffft) want her to get healthcare SOONER than this so she can receive the proper medication.
Hey, she needs to ask herself, 'SELF, WHAT ABOUT THAT ABORTION I HAD BACK IN 1987?' Could it be that THAT is THE PROBLEM? Oh, no, progressives never want to allow GOD to mete out his punishments upon the GUILTY. They are always nattering on about HELPING PEOPLE.
COMMUNISTS!
Anyway back to this thing with OBAMA. Didn't you love the way John McCain talked calmly DOWN TO Barack as though he was addressing a child with ADD? I know I did.
With any luck at all, Dems (who are now declared liberals=PROGRESSIVES AND THUS ENEMEIES OF THE STATE) won't know what hit them.
Hopefully they'll be too wrapped up in attempting to find a bi-partisan solution to all this and this healthcare thing can be dragged out until November, when we get all the backroom deals done with the voting machine contractors.
Raise your signs high T-baggers. We are one day closer to the Outright Corporatocracy that Uncle Rupe and his rich buddies are pushing for.

SCOOT BROWN! HOW DARE YOU!

A person should not vote his conscience! No! A person should vote how his benefactors tell him to vote.
I call him Scoot, because he Scooted away from the talking points on the jobs bill FAUX NEWZ and Uncle Rupe had given him. We had gone over this and over it. He's not the brightest bulb in the box, you know, to mix a metaphor as only I can.
We had told him what to say, when to say it, how to vote, how to smile and nod when he voted.
Good God, we embellished on that cheesey pick-up truck business FOR him!
When a media conglomerate goes to the trouble to raise someone from the dust of obscurity, it expects something in return. It expects a candidate to vote as that conglomerate tells it to. When you strike a Faustian bargain, everyone knows that's how it works!

What business does this guy have USING HIS JUDGMENT FOR GOD'S SAKE!? Who told him he had the right to do that! We thought we had purchased spineless; by some minor miracle, he found a spine; DAMN HIM!
Now, all is not lost. We will be watching Mr. Downtown Brown to see what he does in the coming weeks and should he demonstrate that troublesome outgrowth called judgment again in coming weeks there will be hell to pay, Uncle Rupe has assured all of us.
You know he's not pleasant when he's disappointed Mr. Brown.
You're not the only one here with his ass on the line!

Sarah P? To Take over my time-slot?

Okay there's a rumor going around that I am on the outs with management; that Billo and my little trip out west gave managers back in New York a chance to train Sarah how to behave like a television host. This was done in seceret as a way to take over my spot, while keeping me from knowing about it.
You notice you haven't seen her on our network touting her wares, and commentating like we said she would.
Seems that her palm-reading is a real problem; her shor-term memory is fried. And she doesn't like to extemporize. So, there's another rumor going around that Mrs. P. is, in fact, taping whole shows on a soundstage somewhere in the bowels of News Corpse's many offices. These shows will run in sequence, about ten episodes ahead.
They won't require much in the way of contemporary news input, but will be laced with "gee whiz" and "gosh-darned" and "good ole" homespun platitudes and expressions which are pretty meaningless, but then, she's good at that sort of thing isn't she.
There is a rumor that, as it stands now, she needs whole days to get through the process of filming just one show, in that she has to learn and run lines, and then deliver them as though she's thinking the lines up as she goes!
Now, there is no way to substantiate these wild rumors. So I want my people to be patient and prepared for this. If I find out this is the case, I will begin my own campaign of civil chaos by unleashing the signal, the Clarion call of "END TIMES" to my devoted minions.